ACTUAL WRITINGS ON HOSPITAL CHARTS BY DOCTORS:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

Hillbilly Medical Terms

Benign..........................What you be after you be eight.

Bacteria........................Back door to cafeteria.

Barium..........................What you do with dead folks.

Cesarean Section........A neighborhood in Rome.

Catscan.........................Searching for the cat.
Cauterize.................Made eye contact with her.

Colic.........................A sheep dog.

Coma.......................A punctuation mark.

D&C.........................Where Washington is.

Dilate........................To live longer than your kids do

Enema................Not a friend.

Fester.................Quicker than someone else.

Fibula.................A small lie.

G.I.Series...........World Series of military baseball.

Hangnail............What you hang your coat on.

Hospital.............The biggest building in town, other

than Joe's feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.
Impotent...................Distinguished, well known.

Labor Pain...............Getting hurt at work.

Morbid.....................A higher offer than I bid.

Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.

Medical Staff...........A Doctor's cane, sometimes shown with a snake.

Node.........................I knew it.

Outpatient................A person who has fainted.

Pap Smear...............A fatherhood test.

Pelvis........................Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room......Place to do upholstery.

Secretion.................Hiding something

Tablet......................A small table to change babies on.

Seizure.....................Roman emperor who lived in the Ceasarean Section.
Terminal Illness.........Getting sick at the train station.

Tumor.........................More than one.

Urine...........................Opposite of mine.

The Doctor Says

--- But He REALLY Means...

"Well, what have we here...?"

--- He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"

--- I'm stalling for time. 

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."

--- I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

"Let me check your medical history."

--- I want to see if you've paid your last bill before
spending anymore time with you.

"Well, now, we have some good news and some bad news."

--- The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW.
The bad news is,you're going to pay for it.

"This should be taken care of right away."

--- I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy
and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Let me schedule you for some lab tests."

--- I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"Let's see how it develops."

--- Maybe in a few days it will grow into something
that really needs to be cured.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."

--- I'm writing a paper and would like to use you
for a guinea pig.

"That's quite a nasty looking wound."

--- I think I'm going to throw up.

"This may smart a little."

--- Last week two patients almost bit off their tongues.

"This should fix you up."

--- The drug company slipped me some big bucks
to prescribe this stuff. Hope it works...

"Everything seems to be normal."

--- Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.

"I'd like to run some more tests."

--- I can't figure out what's wrong.
Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.